Name Games

Went to two football games this weekend–one high school, one college–wherein I noted the first names of the two opposing teams’ quarterbacks:  Game 1: MAVERICK.  Game 2: BODIE

What the hell…

While we can all appreciate a solid Top Gun and/or Point Break reference, who wakes up in the morning and thinks that kind of name is a good idea for their kid?  This is just male names, mind you; don’t even get me started about what some people call their little girls.

And the saga continues…  Namely during recent events with my daughter, to include soccer practice and pre-school open house during which I was able to note many names for the boys in her peer group.  I was able to ascertain a couple of key points:


  1. People seem to think a “creative” name is a good idea
  2. It’s quite chic to use last names and or combinations with the ‘-en’, ‘-an’, or ‘-on’ sound on the last syllable.  Examples, Hayden, Elston, Dalton, Corben, Nordston…


I can foresee a couple of scenarios out of this.  First, a lot of people changing their names to things like, Todd, Sam, Bill, Joe, Howard (well, maybe not Howard).  Second, I can see some kid coming to my door wanting to take my little girl out on a date…

Me:  What’s your name, kid

Kid:  My name’s Dalton.

Me:  Cool, like in Roadhouse, right?

Kid:  Wha?

Me:  Get the F*@# out of here!



Me:  What’s your name, kid

Kid:  My name’s Gaidan.

Me:  Like in Ninja Gaiden?  Old school, yeah…

Kid:  Wha?

Me:  Get the F*@# out of here!



Me:  What’s your name, kid

Kid:  My name’s Koburn.

Me:  Cool, like In Like Flint?  Our Man Flint?  The Dirty Dozen?

Kid:  Wha?  Hey, you can call me Kobe…

Me:  I could call you Jimmy.  Now get the F*@# out of here!


Here’s the official Beemsville position on naming your children:  if you think you’re going to give your child a little extra oomph, swagger, or personality by bestowing upon him or her a “creative” name, seek professional help.  It’s not going to work.  It’s not cool.  You are not helping your child.  Let your kid develop his own persona.  Don’t splatter soap opera or pop culture hubris upon him!  

The best writers I can think of are called James, George, Stephen, and Kurt.  The best film directors are Peter, John, Martin, and Christopher.  The best Quartebacks are Dan, Joe, Tom, and Brett.  The best superheroes are Bruce, Clark, Peter, and Steve.  The best jedi was Luke (played by Mark)  And what the hell happened when we had the ‘-en’ / ‘in’ sound for our jedi?  We got an Anakin played by a Hayden.

You see!?!  You see the violence inherent in the system?!?

3 thoughts on “Name Games

  1. You are patently insane. You know nothing of a person by the name they are given at birth. I like different names, because Scott, Bill, Jon, and Jim are overused and completly lack any modicum of creativity. It is analgous to creating your own bureaucracy of naming standards. I am happy to see people branching out with variations in names and this makes identification even significantly more efficient. For example, saying where is Jim, versus where is my little f-ing electris tech biotch?

  2. Obviously you’ve never heard the classic Johnny Cash song, ‘A Boy Named Sue’. And yes, you re-emphasize my point well in your own potato-headed fashion…

  3. If you remember the song ‘a boy named sue’ the purpose for this was to make Sue strong. Perhaps these people are trying to arm their children against society to help them become stronger people. Now, if you want to talk truly crazy names take a page out of my attendance book for this year: Boys: Paradise, Stateman, Devonta, Chase, Artiom, Monte, Maurice & Mikeal
    Girls: Nyshiqua, Desiree, Dashiona, Tokaryln, Traeiaunna, Nneka, & Shaniqwa
    I’d take Gaiden or Dalton any day because I guarantee you think you can pronounce these right but you can’t, they made up that up too!

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