Late last Friday came the news that Moodys cut the State of Illinois’ credit rating, meaning tax-payers will have to pay an even higher rate of interest on all the debt the state continues to accumulate. This, in combination with news that California’s credit rating actually increased (hey, they know people who know people out there), means Illinois has the worst credit rating of all fifty states.
And so we bring you, in classic Letterman style…
TOP 10 ILLINOIS DEBT RESPONSES
10. C’mon, man, it’s not like we’re using. We’re clean. We’re clean…
9. What do you mean we only get in-store credit? It used to be called the Sears Tower! And look – it’s Wrigley Field and Soldier Field and stuff. That’s got to be worth something….
8. Give us better rates or we’ll file a grievance with the union.
7. What are you going to do? Move to Indiana? Wisconsin? Missouri? Iowa?!?
6. We gotta plan: casinos, casinos, casinos. Put ’em everywhere. What’s the worst that can happen?
5. How about we throw in the University of Illinois and the other regional state schools. Can we get cash for that? What do you mean that ties us to their pensions…
4. Barack Obama learned everything he knows about economic policy right here.
3. [Calls the Federal Government] “Hey, you guys remember that whole ‘too big to fail’ thing, right? Listen. This is Illinois. The State of Illinois. Yeah, Land of Lincoln…” [click] “@$%&#! They just hang up on us!”
2) What about, we throw in all this farmland down here. And the interstates and riverways too. You can just tax the crap out of it. Yeah, we need cash though, no gift cards.
1) 我可以采取订单? [wǒ kěyǐ cǎiqǔ dìngdān?] Chinese for, ‘Can I take your order?’